A “good” birth used to refer to a safe delivery. But impossible expectations, obsessions with control and a birth culture gone awry have left many parents feeling like theirs wasn't "good enough".
Thank you, Wendy, for putting in to words (and so well too) feelings I’ve had swirling around since the birth of my eldest in 2018 and then my second at the start of this year. I think the idea of a ‘perfect birth’ and ‘perfect postpartum’ seems to be a particularly Western, social media influenced one - not only can you now feel bad about not having a perfect birth, you can now feel like you missed out on a blissful postpartum because you didn’t food prep nourishing ‘warming’ foods and state your boundaries clearly. There’s a lot that feels uncomfortable co-opting ‘traditional cultures’ for commercial gain in birth and postpartum - I’m not articulate enough to put it in to words that make sense (shout out to my seven month old who doesn’t sleep at night), other than ‘the vibes are off’. It’s just SO MUCH unnecessary pressure! I read birthing anatomy textbooks for my first birth - why?! I’m not a medical professional but I was so adamant that I was going to be well prepared and have a great birth. I laugh about it now but I really fell down that rabbit hole first time round.
You're so right about co-opting ‘traditional cultures’. I've actually been thinking about that a lot, there's almost a vampiric compulsion to absorb non-white birth traditions. As a white woman myself it makes me wonder about my own cultural vacuum and how a history that destroys so much, ends up feeling empty and needing to fill that void with other people's experiences...
‘Vampiric compulsion’ is such a great way to describe it! I remember hearing Hilary Mantel talk about Tudor women preparing for birth (research she did for the Wolf Hall trilogy). Aristocratic women would get their affairs in order at the start of confinement, including their wills because birth did not have a guaranteed outcome. There just be historical birthing traditions in England and across Western Europe but they’re less sexy (not that anyone is thinking about that post birth haha) than traditions from the ‘other’.
My great grandmother was a midwife in a remote mountain village in Cyprus. Dad used to accompany her to births and his job was to light the flint to start the fire. Birth was strictly women’s and children’s business but from what Dad can remember, there wasn’t anything specific other than localised Turkish Cypriot village traditions - that is, birth was just … birth. Postpartum was just postpartum like anywhere (with no electricity or running water) , but with the benefits of being in an actual village. It wasn’t the glamorous 40 day rest that seems to be so ‘traditional’ now - my grandma had seven kids and was often back in the fields within a couple of weeks!
This is such a good insight. The reality is I think in the west a lot of time the birth culture is probably reserved for those who could afford it. But as you point out, for most people (even pre industrialisation/capitalism) mums had to get back to work. So, as now, it's as much a class issue as it is a cultural one.
...feels like there is an article here...
Side note: is it time I finally got into Hilary Mantel?
I’d love to read that article! I think there is definitely an intertwining of class with culture. My grandparents were, as my father liked to remind us as teens, peasants - they worked and were self sufficient because they HAD to be. The work had to be done, so there was limited rest after birth. I had my second at the start of this year and am so privileged to have a year off work (parental leave in Australia) and grandparent support to rest in the early weeks. Anyway, enough rambling!
I highly recommend the Wolf Hall trilogy - it’s staggeringly well researched and written (albeit it sometimes difficult to follow the different voices). I’m reading A Place of Greater Safety now and it’s also astoundingly good. Wasn’t mad about her non-fiction but her novels convinced me that historical fiction could be excellent.
Great piece Wendy! Even as someone who hasn't had a child, I already obsess over what my birth should look like. Perhaps this has to do with being told from a young age that I will need to have a caesarean to safely deliver a child due to my spinal issues. I always have felt guilt around this, or felt like this type of birth wasn't ideal. So thank you for reminding me that a safe and healthy mother and baby is the best kind of birth.
Thank you, Wendy, for putting in to words (and so well too) feelings I’ve had swirling around since the birth of my eldest in 2018 and then my second at the start of this year. I think the idea of a ‘perfect birth’ and ‘perfect postpartum’ seems to be a particularly Western, social media influenced one - not only can you now feel bad about not having a perfect birth, you can now feel like you missed out on a blissful postpartum because you didn’t food prep nourishing ‘warming’ foods and state your boundaries clearly. There’s a lot that feels uncomfortable co-opting ‘traditional cultures’ for commercial gain in birth and postpartum - I’m not articulate enough to put it in to words that make sense (shout out to my seven month old who doesn’t sleep at night), other than ‘the vibes are off’. It’s just SO MUCH unnecessary pressure! I read birthing anatomy textbooks for my first birth - why?! I’m not a medical professional but I was so adamant that I was going to be well prepared and have a great birth. I laugh about it now but I really fell down that rabbit hole first time round.
You're so right about co-opting ‘traditional cultures’. I've actually been thinking about that a lot, there's almost a vampiric compulsion to absorb non-white birth traditions. As a white woman myself it makes me wonder about my own cultural vacuum and how a history that destroys so much, ends up feeling empty and needing to fill that void with other people's experiences...
‘Vampiric compulsion’ is such a great way to describe it! I remember hearing Hilary Mantel talk about Tudor women preparing for birth (research she did for the Wolf Hall trilogy). Aristocratic women would get their affairs in order at the start of confinement, including their wills because birth did not have a guaranteed outcome. There just be historical birthing traditions in England and across Western Europe but they’re less sexy (not that anyone is thinking about that post birth haha) than traditions from the ‘other’.
My great grandmother was a midwife in a remote mountain village in Cyprus. Dad used to accompany her to births and his job was to light the flint to start the fire. Birth was strictly women’s and children’s business but from what Dad can remember, there wasn’t anything specific other than localised Turkish Cypriot village traditions - that is, birth was just … birth. Postpartum was just postpartum like anywhere (with no electricity or running water) , but with the benefits of being in an actual village. It wasn’t the glamorous 40 day rest that seems to be so ‘traditional’ now - my grandma had seven kids and was often back in the fields within a couple of weeks!
This is such a good insight. The reality is I think in the west a lot of time the birth culture is probably reserved for those who could afford it. But as you point out, for most people (even pre industrialisation/capitalism) mums had to get back to work. So, as now, it's as much a class issue as it is a cultural one.
...feels like there is an article here...
Side note: is it time I finally got into Hilary Mantel?
I’d love to read that article! I think there is definitely an intertwining of class with culture. My grandparents were, as my father liked to remind us as teens, peasants - they worked and were self sufficient because they HAD to be. The work had to be done, so there was limited rest after birth. I had my second at the start of this year and am so privileged to have a year off work (parental leave in Australia) and grandparent support to rest in the early weeks. Anyway, enough rambling!
I highly recommend the Wolf Hall trilogy - it’s staggeringly well researched and written (albeit it sometimes difficult to follow the different voices). I’m reading A Place of Greater Safety now and it’s also astoundingly good. Wasn’t mad about her non-fiction but her novels convinced me that historical fiction could be excellent.
Great piece Wendy! Even as someone who hasn't had a child, I already obsess over what my birth should look like. Perhaps this has to do with being told from a young age that I will need to have a caesarean to safely deliver a child due to my spinal issues. I always have felt guilt around this, or felt like this type of birth wasn't ideal. So thank you for reminding me that a safe and healthy mother and baby is the best kind of birth.
Exactly! Dare I say...you got this mama?
Another fantastic piece, Wendy! I feel so seen in your words!
That means so much, thank you!